Cu Cullen to Light Big Fire in Cork: 'Burn Baby Burn!'

cork | environment | feature Sunday January 18, 2004 00:06 by (Indy) Mick O'Toole - Save Tara/Skreen Valley savetaraskreen at yahoo dot com

"This will put Lord of the Rings to shame and give tourism a real boost"

The latest twist in the chindropping saga for mouthwatering power sees Cu Cullen teaming up with Invader Ireland. By eminent command of the almighty An Bored Pleanala, council of elders, it has been decreed that a line of massive incinerations, sending a deluge of luminous clouds of mysterious pharmochemical toxins into the air, will light Cu Cullen’s long march to the The Hill of Tara.

And while these fires may well burn “forever” it will be The Cu himself who will light The Eternal Flame of Destiny, when he retrieves the Ark of the Covenant from Tara, which has been lying in wait for his arrival since some illegal immigrants buried it there two thousand years ago. Cu Cullen is said to be “in a state of rhapsody”, according to sources deep within the recesses of his troll-road building army, camped just outside Waterford. “It will be better than Lord of the Rings any day, and tourism will get a real boost” said the human-like spokesperson.

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ORIGINAL NEWSWIRE STORY STARTS HERE: JUICY DETAILS

The latest twist in the chindropping saga for mouthwatering power sees Cu Cullen teaming up with Invader Ireland. "This will put Lord of the Rings to shame and give tourism a real boost".

By eminent command of the almighty An Bored Pleanala, council of elders, it has been decreed that a line of massive incinerations, sending a deluge of luminous clouds of mysterious pharmochemical toxins into the air, will light Cu Cullen’s long march to the The Hill of Tara.

And while these fires may well burn “forever” it will be The Cu himself who will light The Eternal Flame of Destiny, when he retrieves the Ark of the Covenant from Tara, which has been lying in wait for his arrival since some illegal immigrants buried it there two thousand years ago.

Cu Cullen is said to be “in a state of rhapsody”, according to sources deep within the recesses of his troll-road building army, camped just outside Waterford. “It will be better than Lord of the Rings any day, and tourism will get a real boost” said the human-like spokesperson.

The announcement sparks renewed speculation that Cu Cullen is about to throw off his disguise as Minister for the Environment and Heritage, and show his true heroic self, any day now.

The eminently commanded decree was met with cheers of jubilation across the land, but none rivaled residents of Ringaskiddy, in Cork Harbour, where the first hazardous waste incinerator is planned for. Fueled by enviable pride, they have promised to field candidates in the local elections next June in support of his "politically-driven" campaign for the ancient capital. They are also delighted at the news that a few select locals will be given the privilege regular "social evenings", hosted by Invader Ireland, beside tanks of containing hydrochloric acid and aqueous ammonia

Asked why Cu Cullen was marching to Cork first, from Waterford, and away from The Hill of Tara, the spokesperson was shocked. “It is?” “Oh yea. That’s right. We want to build more fires. Bigger is better, and the more the merrier! Just like the old days!”

However, Indymick has learned of a secret deal that may be in the works between the Shell Creatures, who keep making preposterous bids to build an eco-friendly sustainable marina in Lough Corrib, County Sligo, that might explain this seemingly illogical move. The Shell Creatures are said to have vast reserves of oil, that could be used to fuel the pyres, and the may reluctantly agree to bring some with them in return for their permission to build their eco-paradise. So look out Sligo, you’re next on this tour de force!

Indymick has also unearthed a lunatic fringe objector to the incineration plans, Minister for Justice, Mr McDowell, who sees "mass-burn incineration" as sacrilegious, maintains that only Saint Patrick should be allowed to light those kind of fires.

Interviewed on RT3 television, Mr Cullen said he was "aware of that Regressive Diplomat’s concerns and he will have to be dealt with", but there was "a lot of myths and legends with regard to many of these conflagrations" and these were "totally without foundation".

“Many a Corkman vied for the Ark, but none ever got it. Oisin himself was only a prophet, like Bertie, but I am the true king, and I am taking no prisoners. Let them all burn! Burn everything! Burn everyone! Fire! Fire! Burn baby burn!

http://www.chaseireland.org/